As you may know, I have elected to undergo a radical prostatectomy operation for my cancer. It’s wasn’t easy, but I came to terms with the decision and all seemed settled.
However, the Dealer who gave me my hand of cards to play in this life thought all was too easy, so he/she/it has shuffled again and given me a new hand. The Dealer’s default position is a snigger.
Apparently, I will be upside down for three hours during the operation, to allow gravity to make more room around my prostate, and this will massively increase the pressure in my head. There is a danger of losing the little sight I have left in my left eye. I’m already totally blind in my right eye, so there is a risk of being in total darkness.
To me, along with anaesthetic problems with my MS, this is not a risk I’m OK with. So I’m back to the radiotherapy option, and I’ve set those wheels in motion. Treatment begins next week with three months of hormone treatment, followed by daily radiotherapy in Leeds for a month, then some more hormones.
When I meditate, I can feel the anger inside me, my raised heart rate and the tension in my legs and arms. I am angry with the cancer, of course, but also with my own body, my dad for his genetic gift, the doctors and nurses for not being magicians, and all of you who are healthy for being just that.
I am in a constant state of fight or flight, and I’m aware of little rushes of adrenaline. This is how it feels to be angry all the time. It’s just not healthy.
Just as my meditation practice has become important, it has become really difficult to stop myself pacing up and down