Okay, then, you’ve organised the loan of a friendly dog, or you’ve phoned a friend to go for a walk together. However, don’t go for a walk today, or even tomorrow, for you’ll need to do some training before you venture into the outside world. Failure to do this can result in a serious sports injury, which costs a lot more to treat than a headache, or, even worse, you will be laughed at by local youths.
First, you need to warm up. Impetuous folk who ignore this are courting disaster.
Place both feet flat on the ground, then stretch to the side to find the remote control. Pick this up and, with the thumb of one hand, press the off button, which is usually coloured red, for ease of identification. For those of you who have forgotten what it looks like I have added a photo of it.
Keeping both feet still, lean forward and haul or push yourself out of the chair, then straighten both legs. This is difficult to do at first, but persevere and you will get the hang of it before long. Don’t worry – you will not injure yourself, because the legs are actually designed to straighten and carry some weight.
This manoeuvre is called “standing up”. Repeat this procedure several times a day until it becomes second nature.
You are now ready to do the second exercise, which is technically known as “walking”. To do this, soften your knees a little, then lean forward until you start to lose your balance, technically known as “falling”. One foot should, almost magically, shoot forward to prevent you breaking your nose. If it doesn’t, hold on to something solid, like the television, until your foot moves.
At this point, you have completed what is known as a “step”. Well done! If you can repeat the exercise with the other foot, you are beginning to walk.
Repeat this every day for a week, till you can easily “walk” to the front door of your house. Don’t rush things. Don’t open the door yet, because your newly-active body will not be able to withstand the blast of fresh air. You must remember that outside is full of this fresh air and you will not be strong enough to breathe it yet.
When you can make it to the door without your heart racing, or without fainting, you can open the door, but not before then.#
Now you can sit down again and nod off in front of the television, happy in the knowledge that you have cracked the warm up and taken, quite literally, the first steps on the road to Olympian fitness.
Well done. Have a chocolate.